I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
