Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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