You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
