he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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