why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
