She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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