Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
