I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I want a musical about memes.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
