We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Is it because I queefed?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
