Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
