dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
