i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
