I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
