Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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