Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
