anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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