did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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