I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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