That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
