The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Randomize
