Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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