yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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