My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
