i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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