bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
