So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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