I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
