I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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