I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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