Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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