I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
