I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
