My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
