It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
