I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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