I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
