Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
