woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
