Just cropdusted the office
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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