that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
