we have pet lesbian snakes
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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