Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
