I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
