i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The power of my boobs compel you
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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