saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
