I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i believe in u and ur pee
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
