Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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