Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Don't tell me you're on acid again
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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