I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
