I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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